Hi

Any advice from people with experience in this would be much appreciated.

Background:

- I married Dao in 2001.
- She has a child, Knot, from a previous relationship.
- He's ten years old.
- Knot lives in the village.
- Knot has my surname because we always intended to bring him to the UK.
- Dao and I came to the UK in 2004.
- We had a baby in August 2006.
- Dao left me six weeks after the birth of the baby and I haven't seen her or the baby since.
- I came back to Thailand in January of this year.

A mess, I know!

The Problem:

- Poor old Knot has been led to believe he's going to live in the UK. This is now very unlikely (I don't know, but I suspect Dao is on benefits and in any case would find it very hard to organise a visa etc on her own).

- I would like to do something for Knot. He's a good boy and has my surname after all.

- Do you think it would be possible to have him live with me here in Bangkok?

- I'm concerned about the legal and practical aspects of this idea. Would it even be legal? He's not my son at all. Dao does have sole custody, but she's in the UK.

- In terms of the practicalities.. I earn 26,000 a month. I don't speak Thai. He doesn't speak English. It sounds like a non-starter but then again anything is possible.

- I haven't suggested this to Dao yet. It's just an idea at the moment. Before I even think about it any further I was wondering what others here might think.

Any advice from anyone with some degree of experience in this would be much appreciated.

Thanks,

I've got no experience...But as you say a none starter...



Nick

Marcus,

From reading the comments on your blog about Dao and her emails to you, and all that you have gone through, and despite all of your best intentions, just how much can you put yourself through - and expect to cope?

And what if you can't - who gains?

Best wishes in any case,

Caller

quote:

In terms of the practicalities.. I earn 26,000 a month. I don't speak Thai. He doesn't speak English. It sounds like a non-starter but then again anything is possible

a few things that need to be answered would be

- how well does knot know you and would he want to come and live with you?
- education arrangements in bangkok and cost?
- who would look after him while you are at work?
- how would the family he is with now feel and would dao allow it!
- what does thai law say about this?

also he is only 10 years old so its going to be a long term commitment for you

sounds difficult to me but as you say

quote:

It sounds like a non-starter but then again anything is possible

it's possible

best wishes

Marcus,

I think non starter too as it might open up a can of worms with Dao if she gets to hear of it but no harm in offering to pay for his school/books etc it you feel you should but no cash as I think this would cause further problems with whoever is looking after him

I provided cash for my ex wifes son (english) for years which she spent and then used against me in the divorce saying I had surplus money totally disregarding why I sent it to help him

Anyway good luck in what you decide

Regards
colin 244

Thank you Nick, Caller, A&A, and colin 244.

Your advice, suggestions and questions have helped me a lot. Thank you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, this is a tricky one and will take a lot of thought, but I'd like to do something - and your comments will help me decide what.

Thank you again!

All the best,

Marcus,

I don't have any words of advice but I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You seem to have your heart in the right place.

Whatever decision you make, I hope Knot is better off.

Packpao

Marcus - I sincerely hope things work out - just remember that everything has a reason - and the lesson we are to learn may not be immediately apparent.

I think, IMHO, that you would need to at least have some dialogue with Dao to enable this to go any further...

I think the school books and possible even school shoes is a good idea at the moment.
It is exactly what we have agreed in relation to the rest of our Thai family and the kids as sending money just leads to more hassles.

Possible get the permission to visit the lad ( from Dao if at all possible) but definitely from the people he lives with now. A few visits could help smooth the waters before you ask about him living with you?

Could you get to see them (those in Thailand) at Songran??
I mean with everyone returning to the family you could possibly see the family then?

Again good luck and my thoughts are with you

- Skippy

Thanks Skippy and Packpao,

Good advice too. Thank you.

I'm not rushing into anything, but will keep everyone informed of any developments. Thank you again for the kind wishes and excellent advice.

Marcus

Without trying to read too much into it...Is this not just a subconscious way of trying to stay in touch with your ex?

I wish you all the best...it must hurt


Nick

PP, I'd be very surprised if that was the case. Having recently met Marcus I found him to be a genuinely nice, decent chap who certainly holds true philanthropic tendencies.

Nick

Thank you. Do you know what - I hadn't thought of that! Seriously.

And you know I would like to stay in touch with Dao - and know where she is and how she's doing and how Joseph is. But I've had none of that knowledge since she left six months ago. Not once has she told me anything at all.

So I guess you are right to some extent. But I'm pretty sure my trying to find a way to help Knot is not about that. It's just about feeling bad for the poor lad and wishing there was something I could do.

I think coming out to Thailand again was the right decision. It put lots of space between me and dao, gave me sunshine and ease and has allowed me to step back a bit from it all. Goodness only knows what I'd have been like if I'd stayed in East Anglia.

I'll send some money to Knot on payday. It won't be as much as before (it can't be!). And I'll think about what if anything I need to do next.

Tobias Thank you! Too kind!!

quote:

Poor old Knot has been led to believe he's going to live in the UK. This is now very unlikely (I don't know, but I suspect Dao is on benefits and in any case would find it very hard to organise a visa etc on her own)

I wouldn't be too sure about that Marcus.

In my job I sometimes get to see the fall-out from fragmented relationships. I'm amazed by the peculiar way in which things suddenly seem to move on after the break-up with partner number one. Makes no sense at all... or does it?

Again, true.

You know, I keep half expecting a new member to sign up to this site and tell us in his first post that he's met this gorgeous Thai girl in East Anglia and needs some advice about a few visa and legal issues...