PDA

View Full Version : Thaiboi and I have split up



Cliff
8th Oct 2007, 12:05
Thaiboi and I have just split up. After years of struggling to be together and 17 months of being together in the UK, we've decided to separate. It was my decision and it was not an easy one to make. I love him dearly, respect him greatly and will miss him dreadfully. I'll go into more detail when I'm feeling a little better, but today has been a difficult one.

I have paid for his one-way ticket back to Thailand because I think it's the right thing to do. I will also give me some money to cover his initial expenses back in Thailand. I'm very upset at the moment so thanks for understanding. I have a couple of questions:

1) We need to dissolve our civil partnership, however I understand we need to wait until two years aftwe we've separated unless one of us has behaved unreasonably. Does this mean that we just go our separate ways for now and then sign the necessary paperwork two years down the road?

2) How much is a reasonable amount of cash to give him to cover his initial expenses back in Thailand? (He will not get very far on what he has.) I was thinking of £100-£200 which will get him back to his family.

3) The baggage allowance on Thai Airways is only 20kg. He has at least double that amount. Does anyone know how much the excess will cost?

Thanks and I'll write more soon.

Cliff
8th Oct 2007, 12:05
Thaiboi and I have just split up. After years of struggling to be together and 17 months of being together in the UK, we've decided to separate. It was my decision and it was not an easy one to make. I love him dearly, respect him greatly and will miss him dreadfully. I'll go into more detail when I'm feeling a little better, but today has been a difficult one.

I have paid for his one-way ticket back to Thailand because I think it's the right thing to do. I will also give me some money to cover his initial expenses back in Thailand. I'm very upset at the moment so thanks for understanding. I have a couple of questions:

1) We need to dissolve our civil partnership, however I understand we need to wait until two years aftwe we've separated unless one of us has behaved unreasonably. Does this mean that we just go our separate ways for now and then sign the necessary paperwork two years down the road?

2) How much is a reasonable amount of cash to give him to cover his initial expenses back in Thailand? (He will not get very far on what he has.) I was thinking of £100-£200 which will get him back to his family.

3) The baggage allowance on Thai Airways is only 20kg. He has at least double that amount. Does anyone know how much the excess will cost?

Thanks and I'll write more soon.

Casey Jones
8th Oct 2007, 12:30
Sorry to hear your news Cliff. Chin up. :nod:

Cliff
8th Oct 2007, 12:41
Thanks Casey. It means a lot.

Tobias
8th Oct 2007, 12:42
I am sorry to hear your news, Cliff. Jenny and I wish both of you well as you move on in your separate ways.


Originally posted by Cliff:
... 1) We need to dissolve our civil partnership, however I understand we need to wait until two years aftwe we've separated unless one of us has behaved unreasonably. Does this mean that we just go our separate ways for now and then sign the necessary paperwork two years down the road?.. The process is virtually identical to a divorce Cliff. The easiest and least painful way is as you suggest. After two years separation you would apply to your local county court for a dissolution on the grounds of 2 years separation (if Thaiboy is to consent to the dissolution). This will be a rubber stamping exercise, well as near as it can be in a British court!

If you meet another partner and wish to dissolve sooner, then there are alternatives but that would then mean 'blame' will have to be apportioned. If Thaiboy doesn't consent to the dissolution after the two years are up, you can make an application for dissolution on the grounds of two years 'desertion'. This is not as straight forward as the 'by consent' route but evidentially this will be relatively easy and so the dissolution would be reasonably quick.

Noi & Nick
8th Oct 2007, 13:23
Sorry to hear the news, Cliff. Especially after all you went through to get him here.

Are you sure this decision is final? Maybe a trial separation will help you both.

Whatever happens, Noi and I wish you both the best of luck.
The baggage allowance on Thai Airways is only 20kg. He has at least double that amount. Does anyone know how much the excess will cost? Thai Air T&C (http://www.thaiair.com/Bookings_Schedules/Terms_Conditions/article8.htm)
8.2 EXCESS BAGGAGE
You will be required to pay a charge for carriage of Baggage in excess of the free Baggage allowance. These rates are available from us upon request and are included in our Handling Manual available in our main offices (Passenger Service Department).

Mark W
8th Oct 2007, 14:13
Cliff,
Sorry to hear the news. I forget, did you have the civil partnership in the UK? If you had it in Thailand it will be very easy to sort the divorce out.

Cliff
8th Oct 2007, 14:31
Thanks for the support and the replies. Thaiboi and I have spent most of the last couple of hours in different rooms talking to our friends on our mobiles, the landline and MSN.

The guy who I would consider to be one of my closest friends is in a relationship with a non-EU girl. He knows both of us very well and understands first-hand the difficulties we're having. He simply said to be that this doesn't have to be the end. He briefly explained what he's been through and how he and his partner have resolved their issues. All of Thaiboi's friends have said that we should consider a trial separation.

Thaiboi and I have just had a very serious chat. It turns out that he loves me and cares for me just as much as I love and care for him (something I doubted earlier). As such, we're going to do exactly as my friend, his friends and Nick have all suggested: he is going to spend some time away with a Thai friend here in the UK and I'm going to stay here in our house. We'll clear our heads, talk regularly and hopefully continue on from where we left off in a few weeks. This is good news because it means that we're giving our relationship a chance to survive rather than ending it.

In the meantime, all of Thaiboi's clothes and possessions are in a pile on the bed in the spare room. I've paid for his return ticket to Thailand which he is not going to use. I don't think I'll get a refund on the flight, but I will look into it tomorrow. Today has been a very stressful one and I'm ready to collapse. I haven't eaten since breakfast because my stomach is in knots. I'll post an update as soon as I can.

Thanks for your understanding and advice.

Cliff

Cliff
8th Oct 2007, 14:33
Originally posted by Mark W:
Cliff,
Sorry to hear the news. I forget, did you have the civil partnership in the UK? If you had it in Thailand it will be very easy to sort the divorce out. Mark, it's a UK civil partnership. Hopefully we'll find a way to work through our difficulties. I think spending time apart will definitely help. Thanks a lot.

astasinim
8th Oct 2007, 14:44
sorry to hear your news. I hope all will be resolved in time.

BigRed
8th Oct 2007, 15:38
Relationships across cultures require more patience and understanding than most. Keep trying and try to understand his point of view.

All the best,

BigRed

rolyshark
8th Oct 2007, 16:59
Courageous of you to post Cliff. None of us have walked a mile in your shoes.

I can echo m'learned friend on the procedure. It is very simple.
Hopefully you can resolve your present difficulties without too much rancour and bitterness and if a reconciliation comes out the other end sobeit. Remember,what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

ash
8th Oct 2007, 21:56
Cliff I don't know a great deal about Thai males but getting my wife to show feelings is a challenge and when I am feeling down its easy to doubt that she loves me. 99% of the time I'm sure but when things are difficult outside the home with work etc then the pessimist kicks in and we are doomed.

Its also hard to discuss these things when the language barrier is raised and that combined with the difference in character can make sorting stuff out very hard. One thing I do know is that its very important to make sure that you both understand the other i.e. even if his English is quite good that he is hearing what your saying.

If it matters hang in there and communicate (not just talk)

Good luck
ash
ps

Just in case it does not work practically the cheapest way to send stuff back should be using air freight not excess baggage.

Noi & Nick
9th Oct 2007, 00:28
Hope things work out for you both, Cliff.
Originally posted by Cliff:
I've paid for his return ticket to Thailand which he is not going to use. I don't think I'll get a refund on the flight, but I will look into it tomorrow. From Thai T&C (http://www.thaiair.com/Bookings_Schedules/Terms_Conditions/1atermcon.htm)
Refund can be made by contacting THAI ticket office where ticket is issued. Refund fee may be applied. A few years ago I had to cancel tickets with Thai Air, which I did through the agent I bought them from. IIRC the procedure took about 3 months and I got back about half the cost. Obviously you must apply before the date of the ticket.

Cliff
9th Oct 2007, 01:13
Ash, thanks for your reply. Interesting to learn your wife doesn't like to show her feelings. This is very familiar. It's often very difficult to know how Thaiboi is feeling or what he's thinking. He can be very stubborn and controls his emotions very well. Even yesterday when he was "being sent home" he showed little emotion: "I go back to my country...good... I see my family, good..."

After talking to our friends and then to each other, he opened up a little more and asked why this happened today (yesterday). There were a number of issues leading up to what happened yesterday. I like to plan for the future, however Thaiboi never wants to talk about it because it's too serious, or it's never the right time ("no good to talk serious when eating food", or "now I watch my TV programme" or whatever.) Sometimes he covers his ears with his hands if I try to bring up "serious" topics at home. So I thought our trip to Amsterdam would be the perfect opportunity to talk about our work, the house we want to build and our future, but we were on holiday - time for fun, not "serious". This is frustrating for me. I'm quite ambitious and goal-oriented and it's important for me to visualise where we're going. Thaiboi is more happy-go-lucky and carefree. He lives for today and doesn't really seem to care about tomorrow because we can't control the future. Why make plans because we could be dead tomorrow?

We had a good chat last night and agreed that I needed to be more chilled out and easy going. Rather than bottling up his emotions, Thaiboi needs to express how he feels about things. I need to learn more about Thai culture though and perhaps he needs to come to a greater understanding about how things are done here.

After our talk, we had a good laugh at the pile of clothes, suitcases and Thaiboi's possessions in the spare room. We will talk more today when I get home from work. So far, so good.

Mark W
9th Oct 2007, 02:29
Cliff,
Since Thaiboi came to the UK have you been back to LOS with him? I only ask as it may be good for you both to get yourselves back so he can spend some time with his family.

Cliff
9th Oct 2007, 02:37
Yes, he went back for a visit at the beginning of this year. He travelled alone because I could only afford the price of one ticket. :(

Right now I'm on the phone to Expedia looking for a refund for the flight I booked yesterday. Thai Airways have cancelled the reservation so Thaiboi won't come up as a "no show" on their system.

Robert W
9th Oct 2007, 02:50
Hi Cliff,
Glad you are working things out.
If they ask you to return any tickets they might have sent out, make sure you send them registered. I had to cancel a flight a while ago and fooloishly sent them by regular post. They denied that they had ever received them and refused to pay up on a fully refundable ticket. The association of travel agents agreed with them. Result: loss of £700 and something hard-earned notes.

Mark W
9th Oct 2007, 03:05
Originally posted by Cliff:
Yes, he went back for a visit at the beginning of this year. He travelled alone because I could only afford the price of one ticket. :(


Get saving then and both have a trip, I'm sure it would do you both the world of good to re-live the courting stage of your relationship.

Blimey, my 5000th post.

Cliff
9th Oct 2007, 05:05
Robert, the ticket is an electronoic one issued via Expedia. I firstly phoned Thai Airways to say that we'd need to cancel the ticket. They made a note on their system so Thaiboi won't be registered as a "no show" for the flight. I then phoned Expedia on the special secret number for travel agents (thanks Thai Airways) and got straight through to an operator. After about 15 minutes on hold they confirmed that I'd get a full refund less £100. That's a lot more than I expected. (I book all my flights through Expedia so there's a good account history. I'm not sure if this made any difference to the amount of the refund.) It can take up to 90 days to process.

maokaang
9th Oct 2007, 05:18
Hi Cliff

Sorry to hear about your problems.

Whichever way it works out, I wish you both the very best.

Regards

Lee
9th Oct 2007, 09:12
Hi Cliff.

Only just caught up with this thread and like others I'd just like to wish you and Thaiboi our best wishes at what must be a difficult time for the both of you.

Lets hope that the present difficulties end up making your relationship a stronger one.

Best wishes.
Lee & Tar

Skippy
9th Oct 2007, 10:49
Cliff - sorry to hear the news, stay strong and remember everything happens for a reason and wether you are meant to be together for a long time or not so long time you both have learnt something on this journey that is life...

Here is hoping that what is truly meant to be will be

- best of luck Skippy and family

ian
9th Oct 2007, 11:20
Glad to read that things are on a up for you. Long may they continue.

Cliff
10th Oct 2007, 00:22
Things are definitely on the up. Thanks for the support. We've booked a day trip to France at the beginning of next month. Also, we'd like to do as Mark has suggested and visit Thailand together early next year, finances permitting. Until now, I have always looked after the financial side of things and, after discussing money issues, Thaiboi will now take more control over the household budgets. We've made some changes for the better I'm very optimistic about our future. :thumb:

Mark W
10th Oct 2007, 00:56
Cliff,
I'm glad things are on the up.

db1
10th Oct 2007, 08:42
Cliff, I hope it all works out for you after all the hard work you put in. not only for the two of you, but also the help you have given us in regards to schengen visa's.

Good luck to you both.

iancanton
14th Oct 2007, 09:58
cliff

good luck.

ian. :)

Cliff
15th Oct 2007, 14:15
Thanks for the messages of support, PMs and good wishes.

As I write, this thread has received 653 views, which goes to show that people are most definitely interested in other people's doom and gloom. No wonder EastEnders gets such high ratings!

First of all, I have to say that I acted far too hastily when I booked Thaiboi's flight back to Thailand. I was 100% wrong and I'm very lucky that he's forgiven me. I think I moved so quickly because my sisters and parents encouraged me to end the relationship. They convinced me that I was doing the right thing. That said, I can almost understand them advising this disasterous course of action because they have zero experience of relationships with people from other cultures. Also, they received a very one-sided view of what had happened during the days leading up to the big mess: my side. So I booked the flight on their advice, something which I regret doing now. I'm not blaming my family because ultimately I am the one who made the decision. I can only blame myself. My family have always advised my to do what they thought best for me. On this occasion, I shouldn't even have asked them. Thaiboi and I should have sat down together and sorted things out ourselves. :argue:

Immediately after booking the flight, the reality of the situation sunk in for both of us. We got on the phones to our friends, most of whom have partners from different cultures all over the world. Each could see our situation looking in from 'outside the circle'. They could understand and identify with us.

Our friends saved our relationship by encouraging us to either have a serious chat or to spend a week or so apart. They could see that we could sort things out. In the end, we both stayed put and talked and talked, then talked some more. We faced our difficulties and worked through them. It took us about four days to sort everything out. It's still not perfect, but we're heading in the right direction and things are so much better than they've ever been.

Now we're having more fun and we almost seem to have more in common, just like when we first met. Yesterday we visited the Thai Temple in Wimbledon and had one of the monks bless us, which marked a new beginning for us. We have definite plans for the long-term which we need to discuss further over the coming weeks. We can both see a bright future together. Yes, we'll have our ups and downs (hopefully more ups than downs) but we'll work through them.

One major issue remains, which perhaps you might like to offer some advice on. My family. Thaiboi and I are both embarrassed about what happened and, at the moment, he is no hurry to see them again. There's been a loss of face. How can we best work to heal the rift?

Thanks again. :thumb:

Mark W
15th Oct 2007, 14:22
Cliff and Thaiboy,
I cannot give an answer to your question as you know your family and Thaiboy better than anyone on this forum. All I want to say is I'm happy it's working out for you both and hope it continues.

IanB
15th Oct 2007, 15:48
Cliff,

What an emotional roller coaster! You know that you always have a group of friends here who have often been through similar problems. I'm really glad that you are sorting things out and hope it makes your relationship stronger in the end.

Ian

Cliff
16th Oct 2007, 00:02
Mark, thanks for the kind words. I'm sure we'll sort the situation with Thaiboi's in-laws in due course! We're staying in the UK over Christmas so we won't have to deal with that particular issue until sometime in 2008.

Ian, you're one of a handful of forum members who I've met. Thanks for your support. I hope things are working out well for you and your Filipino lady.

:)

db1
16th Oct 2007, 06:22
Cliff, why not try a Surprise to see you here meeting,( but of course planned by you ), then if know one is the wiser no loss of face by either party.

Cliff
16th Oct 2007, 07:34
That's a good idea, however my family all live in Ireland, so it really would be a surprise! My parents drove over to visit us for a week during the summer and a good time was had by all. The highlight was The Sound of Music in London's West End. We could always surprise them by showing up unannounced, but I think they'd be more shocked than surprised! They would, of course, be happy to see us. Good idea. Let's look into it.