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  1. #1
    Forum Regular สมาชิกประจำ Disinfatuation's Avatar
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    Default Wife not happy in UK

    Hello!


    I am in a bit of a stressful situation at the moment and the quick version is basically my wife wants to move back to Thailand permanently.


    Met my wife back in 09 and took my first steps in Thailand in 2010 falling in love with the place as most do and stayed over there for almost a year on I think something called a Non O Visa, I had to go to Mynmar and cross the boarder every 90 days for a year.


    We got Married in 2011 shortly after finding out she fell pregnant with our Daughter just before I came back to the UK after the Visa ran out.


    We decided best plan for us was to get her over to the UK and become a UK citizen which she has now done and has a UK passport now, we also had a son in 2014 so the family is me 30, wife 37, Daughter 7, Son 5.


    In the last two years she has really started to feel homesick and I am guessing partly because she has had quite a few deaths in her family, the latest being last month her Dad. She has a big family and is close to her two brothers who are over there and I can see and feel that she wants to go back there.


    I work in a call centre, the money is okay but not the best and she is part time when kids are at school in YO Sushi.


    What I would really like to know is what kind of options do we have, I have always loved Thailand when I have been over there and I have been 7 times now usually staying with family there and taking a month off work, apart from the first initial 2 week holiday and the year I went to stay back in 2010/11.


    I love the place but what has always scared me is uncertainty, I hate the idea of not having things in my name, not knowing if my visa will change and I will be separated from my family etc, the only real way I could consider it is if there was a possibility of me working towards citizenship or something that allows me more freedom.


    My wife would not go back without me I know that because she would not want to have the kids or the family separated but I love her very much and hate to know she is not happy, after all it's my job to make her happy and knowing being here is not is killing me and our relationship.


    Any advice or point in the right direction would be appreciated.
    Disinfatuation + Settlement Visa = Success

  2. #2
    Veteran ผู้มีประสบการณ์ prikphet's Avatar
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    If me, my kids would come first and I'd pretty much be more worried if they wasnt happy, are they ?

    Any idea why the missus isnt happy, my wife has made scores of friends from all backgrounds here and by and large shes happy, in fact when we was in Thailand last month she said she couldn't wait to get back here.

    Where abouts are you based, I'm guessing if you have a Yo Sushi it's not ars end of nowhere.

    I might add passing her driving test here opened many doors as we are not based in a city and allowed her the freedoms that come with that.

  3. #3
    Forum Regular สมาชิกประจำ Disinfatuation's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prikphet View Post
    If me, my kids would come first and I'd pretty much be more worried if they wasnt happy, are they ?

    Any idea why the missus isnt happy, my wife has made scores of friends from all backgrounds here and by and large shes happy, in fact when we was in Thailand last month she said she couldn't wait to get back here.

    Where abouts are you based, I'm guessing if you have a Yo Sushi it's not ars end of nowhere.

    I might add passing her driving test here opened many doors as we are not based in a city and allowed her the freedoms that come with that.
    Hello,

    We are in Glasgow and as for the kids they are great here happy at school and also loved holiday's to Thailand.

    If I am being honest I think it would be fair to say when she first came over here I made alot of mistakes probably down to being immature and younger at the time but the short of it is that I was not as supportive as I could have been, nothing really bad but for example I probabl;y should have put more thought into the fact that she has crossed the world to come live with me and at the time I was not helping out enough at home, playing computer games and being lazy to be honest and it's partly down to my own inconsistanceys and not being a good partner.

    That is not the case now and I give this 110% every day for her and mainly because I want to be the type of influence on my children that they can be proud of one day.

    I think that along with the fact that in recent years like I said she has lost a few family members and the fact that here she has not connected with anyone very well.

    She has met loads of Thai ppl over here and to be honest every single one of them loves my wife she is a very sweet a kind person and I mean no disrespect when I say this to anyone but she herself says that alot of the time she feels a bit of disconnect with some of the Thai people here because they are from a lower class background compared to her being from more middle class and she means no disrespect by it she just means it's hard to connect with people who like different things to her find what she find not funny, funny you know and although they are Thai that's not enough I guess. She has a few that I would say are quite close but not many.

    Basically I think she has lost alot of faith in me and that mixed with missing some of the funerals these last two years has really hit her hard.

    I understand from a relationship side of things that's down to me to make sure that works but I think she can be happy with me I am just starting to wonder if that can only be the case if I move to Thailand.
    Disinfatuation + Settlement Visa = Success

  4. #4
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    I sent you a PM regarding my own experience.

  5. #5
    Premium Member caller's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Disinfatuation View Post
    but she herself says that alot of the time she feels a bit of disconnect with some of the Thai people here because they are from a lower class background compared to her being from more middle class and she means no disrespect by it she just means it's hard to connect with people who like different things to her find what she find not funny, funny you know and although they are Thai that's not enough I guess
    I'm very surprised about this. Over the years, via this forum and elsewhere, I have met Thai ladies in the UK from all backgrounds. From those that were bar girls and others that were privately educated in Thailand and abroad.

    To my knowledge, that seemed no barrier to forging friendships and relationships. I even heard Thais talk of this and what brought them together was the obvious one - being a Thai in a foreign land a long way from home and usually honed over a plate of somtam! There were an awful lot of shared experiences.

    Now, on saying that, I accept there will be degrees of friendship and can understand that those with shared backgrounds might become closer than those who either come from a different background, or even a different part of the Country, but by and large everyone seemed to get on.

    It's a shame she hasn't been able to shake off such perceptions of her Thai class and it's to her loss really. I assume she would think the same way in Thailand?
    'Tis me

  6. #6
    Premium Member ash's Avatar
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    From memory you did make lots of bad assumptions and were really rude to a lot of members when you first joined this forum. That said its a shame that you are in this sad position just now. My wife has just lost a sister and separately a brother in law in the last 2 weeks and we are now trying to decide if we need to travel for the funeral. Problem is our son just starting his GCE's need support and also there are 8 more siblings all getting old and we are expecting multiple reasons to travel in the next few years.

    It may well be that this is a short term emotional crisis and only temporary so in your shoes sympathy and some compromise may well help. For sure if its you??? moving to Thailand will not help and that will almost certainly make it worse unless you can sustain a middle class lifestyle and learn fluent Thai culture and all.

    Hang in there and support her , let her share her feelings and be patient just now thats as much as you can do! Good luck
    Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen

  7. #7
    Premium Member sisaket's Avatar
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    Just some observations: You're Mrs is bound to feel home sick especially with the sad loss of family.She has British citizenship thus can come go as she pleases, which in turn gives your family options being in TH or UK.
    You can work towards Thai citizenship but must be a permanent resident first of all for at least 5 years (need double checking) plus you would need to be able to be quite good in speaking, reading, listening, writing in Thai as you will be tested and have interviews to be conducted in Thai, singing the National Anthem is a requirement also.
    A top priority to consider would be the Kids education, getting the same level or higher in TH will cost money in as apposed to Scotland, have you looked into fees for International Schools in TH ? and how will these be funded,what if they went into HE ? as things stand 3 years residence in Scotland = no tuition fees for colleges / university.Plus at 30 and 37 yrs you both could benefit by this also.
    My wife lived in Scotland after around 5 to 6 years in England but did nt meet any other Thais / Asians (in Scotland) mainly due to me being permanent nightshift the whole time, but she adapted and absolutely loved living in Scotland, in this day and age can easy keep in touch with friends / family, LINE, FB etc. We took every opportunity to visit the National Parks, Islands, Highlands, Royal Deeside, the highland summer games etc, so much to see and do as a family or you /wife, you just need to want to do it.
    If it was me, the Kids education would come first,but I would be making plans for when they flew the nest,time will fly by.
    I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do and hope everything works out.
    bangkok mags

  8. #8
    Forum Regular สมาชิกประจำ Disinfatuation's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by caller View Post
    I'm very surprised about this. Over the years, via this forum and elsewhere, I have met Thai ladies in the UK from all backgrounds. From those that were bar girls and others that were privately educated in Thailand and abroad.

    To my knowledge, that seemed no barrier to forging friendships and relationships. I even heard Thais talk of this and what brought them together was the obvious one - being a Thai in a foreign land a long way from home and usually honed over a plate of somtam! There were an awful lot of shared experiences.

    Now, on saying that, I accept there will be degrees of friendship and can understand that those with shared backgrounds might become closer than those who either come from a different background, or even a different part of the Country, but by and large everyone seemed to get on.

    It's a shame she hasn't been able to shake off such perceptions of her Thai class and it's to her loss really. I assume she would think the same way in Thailand?
    It's not that she is unable to shake the way she thinks about anyone, my wife is probably one of the most open minded and kind people I have ever met. She does go over and hang out when they can all meat up, kids come to our house ours go over there and she gets on with everyone but it's like sitting someone down who is into Rap and sports and asking them to connect with someone who is into classical music and arts and they can both sit on a human level and get on but it's not the same as being around someone you can really connect with if you get what I mean. I think it's more the disconnect from her family that is really making it hard for her.
    Disinfatuation + Settlement Visa = Success

  9. #9
    Furniture เฟอร์นิเจอร์ ian1208's Avatar
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    Genuinely sorry to hear about your problems. To behonest its not unique and fairly common.
    Forget about being a Thai citizen. Knock it on the head andmove on. The hurdles are immense, and I believe you would have to renounce yourUK citizenship being a male. Not to mention having to gain the language skillsof at least Thai secondary school level. And on top of this you have to prove thatyou’re an ‘asset’ of worth. I read somewhere last year that only circa 800people gained citizenship and most of those were refugees from Myanmar who hadworked in Thailand for decades or Thai women returning to Thailand who hadpreviously renounced their citizenship.
    Your spot on with class and what group you fit in to. Iremember posting this some time ago and still believe (in Glasgow, certainly)it exists between groups up here. Mainly because of the relatively small Thaicommunity in central belt of Scotland unlike London or such like.
    My wife mixes well with everyone and enjoys socialisingwhenever she can but could only count 3/ 4 real friends she could confine in.Not that she looks down on others, just nothing in common either employment wiseor education wise (Thai) albeit she regularly visits other Thais for Yak Yakand food.
    She is 52 and yearns her family now after 20+ years in theUK. This because of several close family bereavements and the fact her motheris now 100 this year and she dreads the inevitable phone call. Her mother isstrong (mind) but weakening in body but made it clear she does not want to layaround in a fridge for any amount of time. So when the time comes, the Mrs has to go and this worries her that shewill be late.
    I would be more concerned about the kids. Frankly moving to Thailandand not putting them in a private school would be a make or break for the kids.We did this and I regret it after hearing the stories of bullying andpunishment handed to my mixed race daughters. Sure, they can talk Thai, read andwrite some basics but this can be achieved on long holidays. They were 4 and 5at the time.
    Have you thought about asking her to take ‘time out’ for acouple of months. Go spend time with her family. Not a holiday as such. Homeliving the Thai way. This may help. After several weeks my wife cant wait toget back. But for us, this is an annual thing. All the school holidays. It worksfor us or should I say for the wife. Until the next time of course.
    I wouldn’t encourage anyone to think of giving up here andworking in Thailand unless its for a big PLC or international outfit that willpick up all the tabs. The success stories are few and far between and oftenshort term.
    Being one of the ‘old timers’ I can think of perhaps thinkof five or six long term success stories of Thai-UK partnerships that are stillas strong as ever (in Glasgow) and that’s a shame. Usually though it’s the ladythat ‘moves on’ for various reasons and its mainly to do with finances and/ orthey simply cant resist finding another boyfriend. This though doesn’t mean mywife doesn’t socialise with them. She still does. She just doesn’t agree withtheir tactics and underhand methods. There are of course very successful partnershipsbut you don’t hear about these because by nature they are successful and theThai is comfortable and can detach themselves from the home sickness thatstrikes so many Thai women. Especially after the honeymoon period when realitysets in that their partners are not in holiday mode and money doesn’t grow ontrees.
    One attribute I have learned is trust, patience, forgivenessand simply moving on with no lingering issues of who is right or wrong. Thisworks both ways (for us).
    I hope all works out for you guys
    Last edited by Tobias; 9th May 2019 at 18:42. Reason: Some personal comments removed
    Judging others before you have met isn't a wise option.

  10. #10
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    You haven't mentioned that she misses the food or weather, just the family.

    If your wife and her two brothers are middle-class, does that mean they have a bit more money than most? Would it be possible for one or two of them to come to see you sometime?

    I'm sure your wife knows it would be hard to move over to Thailand and give the kids the same standard of education. Perhaps another Asian country, closer to Thailand, would offer you more opportunities? Or you could try to re-train as a teacher and try to get a job package that includes education for the kids (I know one guy who did that).

    Lastly I've been pleasantly surprised by how easily the different Thai classes seem to mix over here. They bond around food, gossip and simply the relief of being able to speak fluent Thai with each other. If your wife has different interests, can't she pursue them with people who share those interests, regardless of whether they're Thai or not?

  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by livingwithathaigirl View Post
    Or you could try to re-train as a teacher and try to get a job package that includes education for the kids (I know one guy who did that).

    Lastly I've been pleasantly surprised by how easily the different Thai classes seem to mix over here. They bond around food, gossip and simply the relief of being able to speak fluent Thai with each other. If your wife has different interests, can't she pursue them with people who share those interests, regardless of whether they're Thai or not?
    My profession is restricted to Thais so I would find it very hard to find a job. I recently passed a CELTA course to teach English as a second language and if we do move to Thailand in the coming years I will open an English school out there or work in a private school.

    Almost all of the Thais my wife has met here have been fine. The usual yak yak asking why she hasn't had any cosmetic surgery (she doesn't need it) and trying to get her to join a gambling syndicate (she moved on from that job quickly) but apart from that most seem genuine.

  12. #12
    Forum Regular สมาชิกประจำ
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    Would you be able to arrange things so your wife might make an extended visit to Thailand say 4 to 6 weeks, it may give her the time to be with the family and share the grief of loosing their father.

    Might help clear her mind a little.

  13. #13
    Forum Regular สมาชิกประจำ Big AL's Avatar
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    The fact that your wife has lost some relatives might not explain her homesickness: those relatives are no longer alive to visit. Is she really so close to her brothers? It may be difficult to get to the real reason. There may be a number of reasons.

    One day my wife said to me that she does not want to die in the UK. That was not something I had thought about before. I would rather die in a NHS hospital or in one of those marvellous hospices we have in the UK, than die in Thailand, but I am British and she does not see it like that.

  14. #14
    Rookie มือใหม่ sateeb's Avatar
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    I can sympathise with your predicament. I too live in Scotland, and my wife doesn't mix with other Thai's very well either...and for the same reasons. She doesn't mix with any one from Issan, although she isn't nasty or unfriendly when she meets them,but she has one or two close Thai friends from Bangkok and the South, where she is from, and she trusts them as she knows they're not interested in gambling, or trying to find a richer man than she already has. When she goes to Thailand, she spends a month and then can't wait to get back here, where she has a business. I would suggest you let your wife go back to Thailand for an extended holiday and maybe go join her when the summer hols start with the kids. The best things here are the education, health care and the ability to make money. There is also the possibility of her getting the state pension later on so she should keep her British visits and NI payments (class 2) up to date to qualify. The fact that she has UK PP is a bonus as she can move freely between the two countries. As for you getting Thai citizenship etc it is very difficult and certainly time and energy consuming and working there is also a problem for some as you need to be useful at something or be highly educated. It is very difficult to get work in LOS, unless you can teach, and I gather the pay ain't great. Your kids may also find it hard to adapt to Thai education, as things are way different in schools there. Try to suggest to your wife a split existence between Thailand and bonny Scotland, so your present lifestyle can continue to a point, but compromise a little to help your wife's feelings about returning to LOS.

  15. #15
    Premium Member ash's Avatar
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    It is very difficult to get work in LOS, unless you can teach
    That's not strictly true if you work for a large international company with offices in Thailand its really easy I do and that option has been offered a few times but my wife has no interest in that move and neither do I.

    We know many Thais and shock horror some are from Isaan and don't gamble or chase more money etc.

    Being separated from her kids for the split existence is a bit hard on the kids and for her. Bottom line there is no easy solution and they will both need to sort it out as best they can
    Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen

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    Veteran ผู้มีประสบการณ์ prikphet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ash View Post
    That's not strictly true if you work for a large international company with offices in Thailand its really easy I do and that option has been offered a few times but my wife has no interest in that move and neither do I.
    I work for a corporate and they'd tell me to stick it if I asked for a move, I think you'd have to work for a large, "understanding" company - I don't think many of them exist. Good to hear your company would though !

  17. #17
    Premium Member ash's Avatar
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    I have a team reporting to me across most of the world including SE Asia Africa Europe and the US so moving would be a straightforward option but personal reasons e.g. schooling mean I am not slightly interested. Obviously seniority etc makes a difference but the point was there are expat opportunities in Thailand if you have the correct qualifications and experience. Understanding companies don't exist but if its in their interest its possible.
    Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen

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    Quote Originally Posted by Disinfatuation View Post
    In the last two years she has really started to feel homesick and I am guessing partly because she has had quite a few deaths in her family...
    You said "guessing" and that's stuck with me. Is that literally? Have you had a proper talk to confirm it?

    I know Thai culture is supposed to work differently but she's been over here a while now and has her own family here now. If her mum's alive and ailing in her later years, I can understand why she would want to be near her but how much do you really miss brothers, uncles, aunts and cousins when you have a doting husband and two young kids of your own to bring up? 7 and 5 too - they're still very dependant and close, cuddling up to mum. Everyone's different, I know, but we have two kids of the same age and my wife isn't missing sisters, aunts and cousins when she's preoccupied by the kids. With Skype today enabling free daily chat I'm not sure she even misses her mum!

    Perhaps your wife just needs a support group, a circle of friends and a small move rather than taking the drastic step of moving the whole family to Thailand?

  19. #19
    Furniture เฟอร์นิเจอร์ ian1208's Avatar
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    Personally I think that although the worlds getting smaller, the days of getting a work permit are gone unless you are in top management of a fairly large outfit. In Dis's situation I wouldn't encourage him as it will certainly bring even more tears and uncertainty to an already fragile situation.
    Maybe a change in the job situation for her (?) Can she not try for something more akin to her training. To be honest, I fear his situation is not unique in Thai-UK partnerships.
    Judging others before you have met isn't a wise option.

  20. #20
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    I don't think this is uncommon. My wife has not been that happy in the UK also, and in the last couple of years it has been affecting her mental health a bit. For whatever reason she found it difficult to mix with Thai people here, or English people either. I think she was embarrassed about not being fluent in English. She had some friends over the years, but those always ended. It was always the intention that we would retire in Thailand when I finish work, but she couldn't last quite that long. We were due to retire together next year, but had to take the decision for her own wellbeing for her to go over there beforehand. She has been there since December last year, staying with her father. She gets frequent visits from family and lots of old friends. As she says, "Thailand is my paradise". She is on the path to recovery now and returning to her normal self and that is a huge relief to me. It brings a small tear to my eyes as I write this. Of course with LINE you keep in very regular contact. So I am making frequent short trips over there for the next 12 months, after which she will come back, we will sell the house and move permanently. Fortunately the relationship is strong enough for this to work.

    So yes a bit different from the original poster, I'm older with no kids and education etc to consider, and am finishing work with a very decent pension to rely on. But the same in that it is often difficult for people of a different culture to integrate and be happy.

    For the original poster - I think as people have suggested, if possible try and find a way for her to spend longer periods of time in Thailand. Difficult if you need her to have a regular income, and for childcare perhaps. 3 months in the UK followed by a month in Thailand, repeated, something like that could work except for the job and money situation. And I'm sorry to hear your story.

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